Now, before I start, don’t get me wrong I have nothing against sex. Or porn. Or sexy sexual images. Or anything of that nature. Despite my obvious lack of experience in anything in the sex field, I would like to think of myself as a somewhat open minded individual. If the human body disgusts you well, you’re fucked. Or… not fucked because you can’t fuck something that disgusts you. Well maybe you can if you’re loaded full of viagra. Or shame.

Anyway, there are certain things that, when scrolling my dash, I’d probably be 0.1% happier without have ever seeing. And it isn’t the images that gives me the willies (hurr hurr), it’s more along the slight hint that anyone I know and am friends with have sex lives, albeit, possibly kinky sex lives.

I am not a complete prude just in case you want to throw that one at me (I highly doubt it as no one actually fucking reads this), lack of experience doesn’t mean I am a completely disgusting human being. I can, for instance, on the rare occasion, not sure how, get my drunken housemate into my bed and awkwardness will ensue for a good half an hour (this has only happened twice mind you). So it’s not as if I go all Victorian and swoon and need the bloody vapours to wake me back up if someone so much as mentions periods, I can deal with talking about sex objectively or from a third person aspect. I just don’t like seeing people I know go beyond the ‘I have sex and often’ line.

To me it’s like listening to your parents talk about their sex lives. I would rather kill myself in the ancient Samurai way then listen to whatever kinks and role plays my parents are fond of. Even the briefest outline sends me into some mild convulsion. Like the time my dad liked to tease my mom about using handcuffs and my mom would freak out because she hates it AND BY THIS POINT I KNEW ENOUGH AND DID NOT WANT TO HEAR ANYMORE but he kept at this joke for months because my mom hated it and I had to sit and listen to it because I had no where else to go and there was no escape and it was too late by this point, the joke was said and it was out there and all I could do was weep silently (excuse me, just going to vomit). And that trait leads into most people I know.

I am well aware that everyone on this planet (well, not everyone - but most) bar me is out having sex in all manner of sexy ways (I, meanwhile, just sit in my room, sipping a beer waiting for the day when I’ll die of alcohol poisoning just to end the never ending loneliness) and I know that this happens in all sorts of adventurous, intelligent and imaginative ways and I know my friends do this. It all goes without saying really (unless you’re me and nothing happens bar drunken - yeah we get the point….) but it’s affirmation of the details I am happy not knowing, I know it happens but I don’t want to have it confirmed to me, the assumption is enough. I don’t even want the details to be hinted at me, I do not want a slightest indication that goes further than, “I have sex and I like it.” just because it makes me cringe.

Things like:

Now quite convinced that _____________ real calling in life is to become a porn director, cus the lastest idea to popped into her mind… i said god damn ^,^;

It’s not even that suggestive, but I know these people and this is being posted on my dash and my brain just goes: AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH WHAT THE FUUUUUCK I DID NOT KNOW THIS AND DID NOT FUCKING NEED TO. BEDROOM. IT GOES. ARRRGGGHHH. SINCE WHEN DID, WHAT?! FUCK. STOP POSTING YOUR SEX LIFE ONLINE GO SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DO IT WHERE I HAVE TO PAY OR SOMETHING…

Maybe it is because I am a sexually inactive slob with all the desirable appeal of road kill who just wants to be wanted, but isn’t, and doesn’t really know what sex is like bar those few awkward moments with the housemate where we’re all just too drunk to care otherwise (bar him once he realises he’s thinking of another girl, the girl he actually likes - most likely. He didn’t say it but only a dumbfuck wouldn’t be able to tell otherwise). So maybe it really embarrasses me to read those tiny hints, those hints that cross that line and make me pull a face at my laptop screen that is so distorted you’d think I was in The Ring and result in me making a noise that’d make you think I’d just super glued my fingers together. And as a result seeing a tiny hint at the sexuality of other people immediately provokes a feeling of utter embarrassment for them from me because…. well, because I suck at life and it’s just embarrassing how much so.

Or maybe, on a more Freudian level, I just never really got over those cringe moments with my parents and it’s now carrying on into my adult life.

Maybe sex just is embarrassing. I just don’t know it yet. It’s a great mystery of life that I’ll never know, a mystery that is almost equal to the question: how did the Egyptians build the pyramids?

I’ll never know. All I know is, ew.

And with that I am going to bed because tomorrow I have a whole wave of self-exploration to do for college which will result in a brain damaging headache and a strong desire to drown myself in my shower. That is after I am done bleaching myself from this incident.

Posted 3 weeks ago

So, recently (as recently as last night) my housemate found out about my crush on him, pretty much in the most stupid and twatty way ever (read it on tumblr). And it led to hugs and a chat that is very familiar to me, that being as to why he was willing to spend time with me last night even though he liked someone else.

I wasn’t really all that moved by this talk in any way. At all. It was a display of facts and they were lain out in front of me and my general response was, “Yeah I knew this and it’s fine.”

And I couldn’t really get it across to him that I didn’t care. Not in the sense of ‘I don’t care, just cuddle me now because I am fucking DESPERATE for attention. I will limpet myself onto anything that so much as smiles at me in a nice way’ more in the, ‘chill out, I don’t really care if you like someone else it’s no big deal. I don’t like you so much that my world is now slowly plunging into a dark deep hole of misery and MCR.’

And it made me think of the ye olde stereotypes, y’know that women constantly desire that type of emotional attention and if a woman likes you well then she totes wants to date you mate. So somehow, because I have a crush on him, he assumed I wanted it to go somewhere but I really do not. I just don’t really have it in me for relationships. I don’t know how to do them, I don’t know how they work, they are a mysterious thing that people talk about and they seem to be great for a year and then after that well, you’re fucked. Say goodbye to that thin waistline a hurr hurr and be careful because that bitch is a cheating whore. Relationships to me are what a flat pack set from Ikea is to a person with no hands.

But at the end of the day, I was just happy to just flirt endlessly, maybe just mess around. I didn’t need the ‘I like someone else’ speech because I already knew (I can be quite smart sometimes, when the occasion calls) and I really am not that needy or even ready. And suddenly I found myself in a position where I almost went, “I like you enough to mess around. I’ve drilled most of the lovely smushy shit out of my head. Oh my god SHUT UP!”

Why do people assume that liking someone and enjoying getting a hug from them automatically leaps to the desire to have a relationship? Why can’t we just have crushes and just enjoy the mild attraction without having to really take it anywhere? Just enjoy liking someone. If it makes your day a bit better just to say hi to them, well then - do it. It’s a good thing. Spread a little happiness because this world is really short of it. Why does it have to be anymore then that and why do we assume so? And if anything, I was a bit miffed that the leap was even made (maybe my inner-feminist was coming out). In fact, I was more puzzled afterwards than I was before because then nothing made sense to me.

Why can women not be apathetic beings when it comes to things like this? No, women have to be all smushy and loved up (for a while I was but I am over it, s’cool) and simply enjoying liking someone and maybe being quite content just hugging them is not enough for a woman. No, it has to leads to relationships and all of that deep shit that I really cannot be arsed with so let’s have that long talk despite Alex’s cries of noooooooooooo.

Because I, personally, do not understand the women who constantly need relationships. What is so scary about being on your own? Why do you constantly need to smother other human beings with emotions? Why do you need to be smothered?

Despite my housemates objections, I claim he was drunk. It was nice to meet a guy who said it how it was, not string me along like a puppet but really, why the deep hearted angst?

I may have boobs but even my own ability to disassociate with feelings and looks at things at face value has taken me by surprised.

Posted 4 weeks ago

So Christmas has come and gone. In fact, for me it was gone before it had even came.

I was working Christmas eve and as I scuttled excitedly through the store I work at, anticipating going home to my parents (and living in a warm house) I noticed that a mass of workers much more unfortunate than I were taking down all the Christmas decorations in the store.

Ribbons and lights scattered the floor in some poetically awful and depressing way and it made me think.

For months and months supermarkets shout Christmas in your face. They tell you when to get excited and how to get excited and what it is you need to do then, Christmas eve, before we’ve even sat down and gotten so drunk and fat that we can’t stand up, the supermarkets have deemed it over.

It’s gone away before it even arrived at our doors.

I returned to work today to find most Christmas things shipped away, everything was back to the same old boring drudgery of life. And all of this was done before I had even left 5 days ago.

It felt quite sad really and it made everything feel so artificial. I enjoyed Christmas this year simply because I was with my family after being away for 5 months. Screw your presents and alcohol, I was home and I honestly feel all mushy just from that. And it makes me somewhat sad that to the businesses of the world Christmas never really seems to arrive, they tell you it’s coming 2 months in advance and that you need to get your food before everyone else pinches it first because everyone else is a thieving bastard and then as soon as the big day is literally on the doorstep, they hide all the evidence as if they just accidentally murdered Santa and had to cancel everything.

And if anything, anything all, slightly ruined Christmas for me this year then it was walking out of the store and watching people tear down the Christmas decorations and hiding them all away before I had even made it home.

Posted 1 month ago

I am still angry at sequels (GOD DAMN YOU ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER!)

Bar one.

A Game of Shadows. The only sequel I have ever seen that I have enjoyed over the original. Mind you, the Hollywood Sherlock Holmes will never be as true to the famous detective as the BBC or ITV series were, but for sheer entertainment they are brilliant. If you go and see the movie and if you understand that what you are about to watch is a very different, highly generic take on the stories then you should enjoy it.

If you expect something like Sherlock, well…. well get out of the cinema. Seriously, you’ll hate it. Largely inaccurate, it’s been stretched and distorted so it fits a wider audience. So not only will liberal Holmes fans go see it, but action film supporters will  now tag along as well. The characters have to be more likeable so the general public take to the good guys. Watson is loveable in every version you plot him in, but Holmes is supposed a sociopath ass and, let’s be honest, not every cinema goer will understand that aspect of his personality. So Holmes has gone from Cumberbatch version to, slightly loveable and overly jealous ‘simply a genius’ version that is RDJ’s version. And don’t get me wrong, it is very loveable.

It might not be accurate, or true to itself, but it’s a lot of fun. And honestly, I loved it. I fucking loved it. RDJ and Jude Law bounce off each other so well, RDJ does a better job as Holmes (in my humble opinion) than in the first one and now with Moriarty in the picture the detective work seems to be more in the limelight.

Again, I shall repeat this thoroughly, you have to be aware of what you’re going to see. I know so many Sherlock Holmes fans who see the Guy Ritichie films and say how awful they are because they are so far from accurate, but if you just take them away from what they should be and look at what they are then maybe you’ll see they are charming, funny and even cute films. You have to let go of your disbelief, as you would with any film, to even begin to enjoy this one. I suppose in a way these films should be partially commended because a large portion of the fans will walk into the cinema with pre-existing judgements, and it’s taken on the battle confidently.

I had tremendous amount of fun watching A Game of Shadows. There were times when I was at the edge of my seat, hiding my eyes from the screen, there were times when I was in tears with joy and in tears from sadness - and even though I knew the ending, I couldn’t help but sit and attempt (poorly) to hold back my tears as the events at the Reichenbach Falls unraveled.

For a good laugh it’s brilliant, as a movie on it’s own - brilliant, but perhaps not for every Sherlock Holmes fan out there.

Posted 1 month ago

All sequels are bullshit.

Let me tell you why sequels of anything are ever made: money. It’s all about money. “Oh, the first thing made lots of money so let’s get the punters back by making a follow up.”

But the follow ups are always shit. So shit that you actually want to pull your eyes out of their sockets and puncture your ear drums, well if you have an ounce of sense you’ll want to. If not you’ll sit and soak it up like a thirsty dog.

Sequels don’t sell because they are decent results of months of hard work, sequels sell because we liked the first thing and want to know, out of sheer curiosity and lack of imagination, what happens next. We can’t work it out for ourselves, so it needs to be spoonfed, expensively, to us. The entirety of the entertainment world know this, but no one else knows this.

You’re all being fooled. Taken as a fool because of the fool you are.
Fools.

Love Never Dies, what bullshit.
I used to like you, Andrew Lloyd Webber - but now I fart in your general direction.

Posted 1 month ago

I don’t get politics. I really don’t. Politics, economics, science - y’know, all that shit that actually matters, I can’t do it. Any of it. I just look at the words and I can feel my brain crying, telling me I’m not smart and let’s just stop pretending we are because what the fuck is a magnet?! (I know what magnets are… just so you know).

I could probably get politics around my head if I tried really hard but it moves so fast I can’t keep up. Nick Clegg vanished from existence and suddenly he’s back and in a sulk because Cameron developed a backbone, according to the Daily Mail (which leads me to automatically disagree with everything Cameron does because well…. it’s the Daily fucking Mail), and veto’d the things that are going down in the EU.

And honestly, I cannot keep up. I don’t like any politicians really, they’re all a bunch of snotty private schooled bastards and as long as they’re a bunch of snotty private school bastards then they’ll only stick up for their fellow snotty private school bastards. They don’t have policies, they have tantrums and just when I finally feel like I’ve caught up with politics the world turns on it’s bloody head and suddenly I don’t know who is doing what anymore. The Lib Dems want to get rid of student fees and then suddenly, wait what they increased them? They’re all ponces and I’ve given up trying to think otherwise.

But there is one thing I do know, above all else: I dislike the Tories. Immensely. Incredibly. If the real world was like Skyrim, Cameron would have no chickens and many arrows in his knees.

“I used to be a politician, but then I took an arrow to the knee FACE.”
PHOTOSHOP THAT OUT YOU BASTARD.

Despite all confusion I get towards politics, I know the Tories are shits. I know that whatever they say will most likely send me into a blind rage where I foam at the mouth and thrash on the floor. I can’t help it, it’s so painstakingly obvious that they have little to no regard for the common person. Of all the snotty private school bastards, the Tories are in the lead charging ahead blindingly cutting education, cutting the NHS and all the while securing their private school shower bum chums in the banks, who are a bunch of numnuts (so the news tells me), and therefore get to keep their bloody bonuses while the rest of us seriously consider becoming strippers because we can’t afford to breathe. Even their party rivals get away with murder (or exploiting taxes to buy porn tapes….) while the rest of us are subjected to MRSA.

I am starting to think it should be compulsory for anyone considering to be a politician to spend 5 years (minimum) living in the lowest and shittiest parts of the UK. If you’re a Tory then it needs to be 10 years (because they’re heartless twats). Send them to Swindon, they can be surrounded by all the common people they despise and I’ll climb the train back to Bath, back to a posh sanctuary, every Wednesday night and give them the finger as I do so and possibly stab them with forks as they try to clamber aboard. And then they know that all their cuts only result in fucking up the bottom of the list. They can sit and watch TV and hear how bankers are getting stupid amounts in a bonus, how the NHS is taking on more cuts, how we are not allowed to vote ofn whether we want to be in the EU or not because it’s up to twatfacelizard man to decide for us and his sidekick sadfaceclegg to sulk over, how tons of cuts in the public sector need to be made and yet everyone is panicking over the rise of unemployment and while this goes on the Tories want to cut benefits as well to encourage people back into the jobs that they were just made redudant from because of all the FUCKING CUTS. And where are these people meant to work exactly? We’ve practically handed the last remains of our industry away. We didn’t even hand it, we just sat in the corner and sobbed as other countries took it from us and spit on our faces and tore the clothes off our backs.

I guess my general point is: the only thing the Tories say to me is, “We have no idea what it’s like to be poor.” and they don’t even hide it, they show it off all smugly. At least Labour and Lib Dem try, albeit poorly, to connect to us ordinary folk but the Tories just parade it about as if being poor is an ignorance, a punishment. Oh har har look at me, I went to Eaton. Oh, you want a referendum? Well you can’t fucking have it because that won’t work out well for me!

I have friends who are Tory supporters, my own bloody mother supports them, and how I haven’t screamed in any of their faces and shook them until their necks broke is just amazing. Most of these people will go, “Argh well labour were really shit before so it’s not the Tories fault that things are really bad now - Brown just left the country in a bad state.”

The slimy bastards have even convinced their supporters that they can do no wrong! Regardless of the fact they are a bunch of right-wing shitheads, their views and problems are a result of Brown’s equal inadequacy.

“It’s not our fault because the guy in charge before really fucked shit up, yet we don’t want you guys to have any government support and our banker bum chums will take your benefits instead (only it’s actually a bonus for ‘doing so well’, if they are lucky we’ll even give them a gold star to go on their star chart in the staff room!) and you can’t vote on these things even though you all want to.”

Well what’s the point of having you around then if you’re not going to fix it? That’s like a plumber going, “Oh well the plumber you hired before really fucked this up and I could fix this but I have to go fix my mates pipes in 5 minutes.” and then they get up, drink the rest of the tea you gave them, tug on their belts, replaces the broken pipe with one that has hundreds of tiny holes in, so rather than a gushing torrent of water you have hundreds of trickles (which overall equates to the same shit), picks up their bag and leaves. They leave, they leave you with a leaking pipe and you’re expected to live with it because the guy you hired before did a really bad job! Then your house gets damp, and then it rots and before you know it you can’t live in the house anymore because it’s fallen down! You have no money, you have trench foot because before you were evicted you lived in a puddle and all because the guy you hired to help you did fuck all. But it’s okay, the government will help you.

Oh wait….

Posted 1 month ago

I woke up at 7.30 this morning to the sound of my hamster trying to have a drink. I say trying, because her water bottle was empty and instead it was making this weird noise and for ages my hamster kept trying and trying and trying to get water to come out of this bottle and sadly, she was unaware that water doesn’t magically appear.

I say ages, it felt like ages. It was 7.30 and I was half asleep and having an array of weird dreams in which my mom was dead and I was tickling Thor (I kid you not) and then I walked along this bridge, got to the other side to realise I left my shopping in the Tesco toilets (I Tesco’s I have no idea, I haven’t seen one in months).

Anyway, lying in bed - half asleep - 7.30, ghastly time. I didn’t want to move, all I could think was I’d sort it out when I got up later. I turned over and snuggled up in my quilt, awaiting more sleep.

And then something awful happened, what always happens in these situations: my brain started to work. How long had my hamster gone without water? Sure, I thought it could wait until morning but what if my hamster had gone without water for days and I was just to careless to notice?! What if the poor thing was on deaths door and I think it’s fine to wait a few more  hours but my hamster is screaming in hamster language, “SAVE MEEEEEEE.”

And then I started down the dark spiral of self-loathing. I’m am awful pet owner, this is animal cruelty. The RSPCA will be at my door any minute, shouting through my letter box about how cruel I am and notifying all of my neighbours that I like to make my hamster go without water. I’ll never be allowed near animals again, I’ll go to stroke a cat in the street and suddenly I’m in a police state and my hands are being cut off.

And in some blind fear that my hamster had stolen my mobile and was about to call for help, I rushed out of bed, grabbed my glass of water and poured all of it into her bottle before begging her forgiveness, going back into bed and tell myself over and over, “You’re an awful human being Alex, how dare you do this! How dare you! Now go to sleep because I am very angry at you!”

Posted 1 month ago

This will be lost soon, lost in the ether of everything else I am going to shove here. I actually doubt this post will ever be read, I have no followers and as of yet I’ve told no one I made this blog because I had a stupid moment of inspiration after overdosing on Charlie Brooker and then thinking, “Fuck I should do this.” and then as soon as I typed in the url and clicked ‘make blog’ (or whatever the fuck it says) I instantly started to doubt if I should have bothered at all.

I give it two weeks and this will die, painfully. At the bottom of the stairs, pushed by laziness and disinterest who are tired of this blogs constant nagging to be updated, it’s constant cries of attention which soon turn into violent rages until one day they just had no other choice. They had to defend themselves! This blog will later be disposed of in an acid bath amid tears of shame and regret.

So, onwards. I guess a brief introduction should be at hand, y’know in the off chance that anyone notices this (haaaaaaaaaaaa).

I’m Alex. I can be as opinionated as fuck when I want to be, most of what I think isn’t thought out and so I often have some undeveloped opinions. Not stupid opinions, just not expanded opinions, I don’t spent enough of my time staring wistfully out of train windows thinking about the world and every angle my opinion could take (I also think that is an excuse everyone should use from now on, ‘I’m not an ignorant bible belt, my opinions just aren’t expanded to their full potential.’).

I am 21, live in a cave in Bath. My cave is occupied by 3 other people who aren’t my family but instead my housemates. I have a job, I am a student. I have a hamster. I’m a wine-o-holic. There is a permanent marker on my desk and a bottle of water, an empty plate a voucher, some cheesy puffs and lots of glasses and cups.

Now you know all there is to know about me.

I’ll try to update this every few days/weekly. Something like that. So that means this post will probably have like… 2 posts and then the violent act will take place.

Posted 1 month ago